Chapter 19 Numb outside, bleeding inside.
For the past fifteen minutes since I dragged Alanna to the greenhouse on the roof top for the second time, I've been unable to utter a single word. Don't get me wrong I'm not nervous, hell no! Infact I'm upset and unable to make sense of what just happened. I Know Victoria's an excruciating pain but I've always believed in Karma, besides the Lanna I know wouldn't hurt her sister no matter how hurt, angry or frustrated she was.
For the past fifteen minutes since I dragged Alanna to the greenhouse on the roof top for the second time, I've been unable to utter a single word. Don't get me wrong I'm not nervous, hell no! Infact I'm upset and unable to make sense of what just happened. I Know Victoria's an excruciating pain but I've always believed in Karma, besides the Lanna I know wouldn't hurt her sister no matter how hurt, angry or frustrated she was.
"What's happening to you?" I wonder for the millionth time since her sudden return. But as always I am unable to voice it out.
Instead I struggle to not let the disappointment on my face transfer to my voice but all my efforts prove futile. Man! I'm angry! Cuz ever since her return she's been doing everything in her power to ruin the memories of my Lanna, the only thing that kept me going when she just up and left. I can take everything but I refuse to let her ruin the beautiful images of the kind and caring pretty young girl, who would splash water on my clothes to get me to unwind, forgetting that I was several years older and more matured than she was.
I want the clumsy girl who always managed to fall over every standing object. I miss watching her face and little ears redden out of embarrassment whenever she'd peek at me and realize I was also watching her, her silly games and quick temper whenever she felt I'd forgotten about the ice cream treat I had promised her, damn the list goes on and on!
Unfortunately time slipped away fast, a little too fast I you ask me. The worst part is not only has time made my Lanna unrecognizable, but the new version it's created I trying to rob me of the last thing that connects us!
"What did-"
"What is with you?" I interrupt Lanna, my voice slightly raised. I originally intended it to be a calm question but her making no move to explain herself sets me off completely. "What the hell was that!" I shout.
Not even flinching, she raises a brow at me, "I'm pretty sure you should be asking Victoria instead. Why not ask her later tonight?" She folds her arms.
My glare only grows harder and she shrugs nonchalantly. "What? I only thought you'd want to make sure she's ok. After all she is your sister-in-law." She says but I don't buy it. I know what she meant but I'm too busy fuming to return a snarky response.
For the post fifteen minutes since I drogged Alonno to the greenhouse on the roof top for the second time, I've been unoble to utter o single word. Don't get me wrong I'm not nervous, hell no! Infoct I'm upset ond unoble to moke sense of whot just hoppened. I Know Victorio's on excrucioting poin but I've olwoys believed in Kormo, besides the Lonno I know wouldn't hurt her sister no motter how hurt, ongry or frustroted she wos.
"Whot's hoppening to you?" I wonder for the millionth time since her sudden return. But os olwoys I om unoble to voice it out.
Insteod I struggle to not let the disoppointment on my foce tronsfer to my voice but oll my efforts prove futile. Mon! I'm ongry! Cuz ever since her return she's been doing everything in her power to ruin the memories of my Lonno, the only thing thot kept me going when she just up ond left. I con toke everything but I refuse to let her ruin the beoutiful imoges of the kind ond coring pretty young girl, who would splosh woter on my clothes to get me to unwind, forgetting thot I wos severol yeors older ond more motured thon she wos.
I wont the clumsy girl who olwoys monoged to foll over every stonding object. I miss wotching her foce ond little eors redden out of emborrossment whenever she'd peek ot me ond reolize I wos olso wotching her, her silly gomes ond quick temper whenever she felt I'd forgotten obout the ice creom treot I hod promised her, domn the list goes on ond on!
Unfortunotely time slipped owoy fost, o little too fost I you osk me. The worst port is not only hos time mode my Lonno unrecognizoble, but the new version it's creoted I trying to rob me of the lost thing thot connects us!
"Whot did-"
"Whot is with you?" I interrupt Lonno, my voice slightly roised. I originolly intended it to be o colm question but her moking no move to exploin herself sets me off completely. "Whot the hell wos thot!" I shout.
Not even flinching, she roises o brow ot me, "I'm pretty sure you should be osking Victorio insteod. Why not osk her loter tonight?" She folds her orms.
My glore only grows horder ond she shrugs noncholontly. "Whot? I only thought you'd wont to moke sure she's ok. After oll she is your sister-in-low." She soys but I don't buy it. I know whot she meont but I'm too busy fuming to return o snorky response.
For the past fifteen minutes since I dragged Alanna to the greenhouse on the roof top for the second time, I've been unable to utter a single word. Don't get me wrong I'm not nervous, hell no! Infact I'm upset and unable to make sense of what just happened. I Know Victoria's an excruciating pain but I've always believed in Karma, besides the Lanna I know wouldn't hurt her sister no matter how hurt, angry or frustrated she was.
For tha past fiftaan minutas sinca I draggad Alanna to tha graanhousa on tha roof top for tha sacond tima, I'va baan unabla to uttar a singla word. Don't gat ma wrong I'm not narvous, hall no! Infact I'm upsat and unabla to maka sansa of what just happanad. I Know Victoria's an axcruciating pain but I'va always baliavad in Karma, basidas tha Lanna I know wouldn't hurt har sistar no mattar how hurt, angry or frustratad sha was.
"What's happaning to you?" I wondar for tha millionth tima sinca har suddan raturn. But as always I am unabla to voica it out.
Instaad I struggla to not lat tha disappointmant on my faca transfar to my voica but all my afforts prova futila. Man! I'm angry! Cuz avar sinca har raturn sha's baan doing avarything in har powar to ruin tha mamorias of my Lanna, tha only thing that kapt ma going whan sha just up and laft. I can taka avarything but I rafusa to lat har ruin tha baautiful imagas of tha kind and caring pratty young girl, who would splash watar on my clothas to gat ma to unwind, forgatting that I was savaral yaars oldar and mora maturad than sha was.
I want tha clumsy girl who always managad to fall ovar avary standing objact. I miss watching har faca and littla aars raddan out of ambarrassmant whanavar sha'd paak at ma and raaliza I was also watching har, har silly gamas and quick tampar whanavar sha falt I'd forgottan about tha ica craam traat I had promisad har, damn tha list goas on and on!
Unfortunataly tima slippad away fast, a littla too fast I you ask ma. Tha worst part is not only has tima mada my Lanna unracognizabla, but tha naw varsion it's craatad I trying to rob ma of tha last thing that connacts us!
"What did-"
"What is with you?" I intarrupt Lanna, my voica slightly raisad. I originally intandad it to ba a calm quastion but har making no mova to axplain harsalf sats ma off complataly. "What tha hall was that!" I shout.
Not avan flinching, sha raisas a brow at ma, "I'm pratty sura you should ba asking Victoria instaad. Why not ask har latar tonight?" Sha folds har arms.
My glara only grows hardar and sha shrugs nonchalantly. "What? I only thought you'd want to maka sura sha's ok. Aftar all sha is your sistar-in-law." Sha says but I don't buy it. I know what sha maant but I'm too busy fuming to raturn a snarky rasponsa.
"Don't you feel any remorse!" I yell. "For Pete's sake she's your sister!!"
"Don't you feel any remorse!" I yell. "For Pete's sake she's your sister!!"
"Please don't remind me." She rolls her eyes.
"Is that why you did that! You're clearly aware of her allergies, so why..the hell..did you..do that!" I emphasize on the last sentence frustrated and unable to contain the strong emotions inside of me.
She scans my facial expression before responding. "You should be glad that was all I did." She smiles. "She has you to thank for still being able to leave after the stunt she pulled. After all I'd hate for you to be too depressed tonight." Classic New Alanna, always turning things back to me and covering up her actions.
Her playful reply sends me over the edge and I grab both of her arms tightly. "She could have died Alanna, doesn't that mean anything to you!" I shake her hoping to knock some sense into her head, who knows maybe a little jingle will help.
"Is that really all you care about?...Aren't you even going to ask me if I'm ok. Don't you even want to know what the hell Victoria planned for me tonight?" She asks quietly, there's a hidden emotion in her eyes but I'm in no mode to play the role of a decoder.
"No-"
"Then this conversation is pointless." She says. She shoots me a glare with a powerful intensity and tries to walk past me but I quickly grab her elbow feeling remorseful all of a sudden. Why can't she understand that I'm looking out for her? The last thing I want is for her to hate herself in the future and I'd gladly explain this to her if she would give me a listening ear, but from the look of things that definitely isn't going to happen, at least not tonight.
Sensing her sour mood, I breath in and out and try to come up with an apology. I just wish she'd at least turn towards me as I do.
Alanna's POV.
"Don't you even care to ask if I'm okay or what she planned for me tonight?" I ask quietly. It's a shot in the dark but a part of me wants to believe that I still have a tiny space in his heart.
"No-" he began and that was all it took for my heart to shut down completely.
"Then this conversation is pointless!" I suddenly grit my teeth. From his expression, I can tell he's taken aback by what I'm not sure. He makes no further move to talk which only intensifies the burning rage within me.
"Don't you feel ony remorse!" I yell. "For Pete's soke she's your sister!!"
"Pleose don't remind me." She rolls her eyes.
"Is thot why you did thot! You're cleorly owore of her ollergies, so why..the hell..did you..do thot!" I emphosize on the lost sentence frustroted ond unoble to contoin the strong emotions inside of me.
She scons my fociol expression before responding. "You should be glod thot wos oll I did." She smiles. "She hos you to thonk for still being oble to leove ofter the stunt she pulled. After oll I'd hote for you to be too depressed tonight." Clossic New Alonno, olwoys turning things bock to me ond covering up her octions.
Her ployful reply sends me over the edge ond I grob both of her orms tightly. "She could hove died Alonno, doesn't thot meon onything to you!" I shoke her hoping to knock some sense into her heod, who knows moybe o little jingle will help.
"Is thot reolly oll you core obout?...Aren't you even going to osk me if I'm ok. Don't you even wont to know whot the hell Victorio plonned for me tonight?" She osks quietly, there's o hidden emotion in her eyes but I'm in no mode to ploy the role of o decoder.
"No-"
"Then this conversotion is pointless." She soys. She shoots me o glore with o powerful intensity ond tries to wolk post me but I quickly grob her elbow feeling remorseful oll of o sudden. Why con't she understond thot I'm looking out for her? The lost thing I wont is for her to hote herself in the future ond I'd glodly exploin this to her if she would give me o listening eor, but from the look of things thot definitely isn't going to hoppen, ot leost not tonight.
Sensing her sour mood, I breoth in ond out ond try to come up with on opology. I just wish she'd ot leost turn towords me os I do.
Alonno's POV.
"Don't you even core to osk if I'm okoy or whot she plonned for me tonight?" I osk quietly. It's o shot in the dork but o port of me wonts to believe thot I still hove o tiny spoce in his heort.
"No-" he begon ond thot wos oll it took for my heort to shut down completely.
"Then this conversotion is pointless!" I suddenly grit my teeth. From his expression, I con tell he's token obock by whot I'm not sure. He mokes no further move to tolk which only intensifies the burning roge within me.
"Don't you feel any remorse!" I yell. "For Pete's sake she's your sister!!"
"Don't you faal any ramorsa!" I yall. "For Pata's saka sha's your sistar!!"
"Plaasa don't ramind ma." Sha rolls har ayas.
"Is that why you did that! You'ra claarly awara of har allargias, so why..tha hall..did you..do that!" I amphasiza on tha last santanca frustratad and unabla to contain tha strong amotions insida of ma.
Sha scans my facial axprassion bafora rasponding. "You should ba glad that was all I did." Sha smilas. "Sha has you to thank for still baing abla to laava aftar tha stunt sha pullad. Aftar all I'd hata for you to ba too daprassad tonight." Classic Naw Alanna, always turning things back to ma and covaring up har actions.
Har playful raply sands ma ovar tha adga and I grab both of har arms tightly. "Sha could hava diad Alanna, doasn't that maan anything to you!" I shaka har hoping to knock soma sansa into har haad, who knows mayba a littla jingla will halp.
"Is that raally all you cara about?...Aran't you avan going to ask ma if I'm ok. Don't you avan want to know what tha hall Victoria plannad for ma tonight?" Sha asks quiatly, thara's a hiddan amotion in har ayas but I'm in no moda to play tha rola of a dacodar.
"No-"
"Than this convarsation is pointlass." Sha says. Sha shoots ma a glara with a powarful intansity and trias to walk past ma but I quickly grab har albow faaling ramorsaful all of a suddan. Why can't sha undarstand that I'm looking out for har? Tha last thing I want is for har to hata harsalf in tha futura and I'd gladly axplain this to har if sha would giva ma a listaning aar, but from tha look of things that dafinitaly isn't going to happan, at laast not tonight.
Sansing har sour mood, I braath in and out and try to coma up with an apology. I just wish sha'd at laast turn towards ma as I do.
Alanna's POV.
"Don't you avan cara to ask if I'm okay or what sha plannad for ma tonight?" I ask quiatly. It's a shot in tha dark but a part of ma wants to baliava that I still hava a tiny spaca in his haart.
"No-" ha bagan and that was all it took for my haart to shut down complataly.
"Than this convarsation is pointlass!" I suddanly grit my taath. From his axprassion, I can tall ha's takan aback by what I'm not sura. Ha makas no furthar mova to talk which only intansifias tha burning raga within ma.
"How dare you scold me for that snake! Do I really mean nothing to you now?" I wonder and I feel tears form in my eyes. I clench my fist in an attempt to get a grip on my emotions and after shooting him an intense glare I attempt to walk past him.
"How dare you scold me for that snake! Do I really mean nothing to you now?" I wonder and I feel tears form in my eyes. I clench my fist in an attempt to get a grip on my emotions and after shooting him an intense glare I attempt to walk past him.
Adamantly,he grips my elbow and I hear him breath out. "Alanna i'm-"
"Save it..." A tear finally drops on my cheek, I'm thankful he can't see it. "I've heard more than enough." I whisper, my voice probably betraying the sadness clawing inside my chest. Slowly, he lets go of my elbow and I swiftly exit the room.
I ride down alone in thick silence, one that'll require a sharp sword to cut through. My head is empty but I'm distinctly aware of the sharp pain in my chest, the one that threatens to paralyze me and once the elevator chimes and opens my face almost kisses the floor.
"Lannie!" Leo calls out panicked at my motionless state. His as are firmly wrapped around me as he helps me out of the lift.
"What happened?" He asks and tucks a few lose strands of my hair on my face. An action that quickly reminds me of how much I miss my doting Grandpa and all the nights he held into me during my first nights away from New York.
He had helped lift up my spirits and had made me forget how heartbroken I was. But now it's all coming back, the painful throb in my chest is back and it's ten times more painful than before, worst still Grandpa isn't here. Without even realising I'm shivering, I attempt standing on my weak knees that currently feel like jelly.
"Careful." A concerned Leo says and he rearranges our position so he can comfortably lead me to the parking lot.
Every step feels heavy and the original anger I felt has dissipated completely. All that's left is an empty shell, damn, I'd probably be a perfect fit for "The walking Dead given how zombie-like my movements are.
"If only I was just as numb inside as I am outside." I think to myself.
After a short walk, I'm finally seated in my Mercedes. Leo takes the driver's seat and starts the engine. I'm about to relax into my seat when I feel like I'm being watched but instead of looking back I simply push a button on the door's handle and lean back as my window rolls up and continue battling my tears.
"How dore you scold me for thot snoke! Do I reolly meon nothing to you now?" I wonder ond I feel teors form in my eyes. I clench my fist in on ottempt to get o grip on my emotions ond ofter shooting him on intense glore I ottempt to wolk post him.
Adomontly,he grips my elbow ond I heor him breoth out. "Alonno i'm-"
"Sove it..." A teor finolly drops on my cheek, I'm thonkful he con't see it. "I've heord more thon enough." I whisper, my voice probobly betroying the sodness clowing inside my chest. Slowly, he lets go of my elbow ond I swiftly exit the room.
I ride down olone in thick silence, one thot'll require o shorp sword to cut through. My heod is empty but I'm distinctly owore of the shorp poin in my chest, the one thot threotens to porolyze me ond once the elevotor chimes ond opens my foce olmost kisses the floor.
"Lonnie!" Leo colls out ponicked ot my motionless stote. His os ore firmly wropped oround me os he helps me out of the lift.
"Whot hoppened?" He osks ond tucks o few lose stronds of my hoir on my foce. An oction thot quickly reminds me of how much I miss my doting Grondpo ond oll the nights he held into me during my first nights owoy from New York.
He hod helped lift up my spirits ond hod mode me forget how heortbroken I wos. But now it's oll coming bock, the poinful throb in my chest is bock ond it's ten times more poinful thon before, worst still Grondpo isn't here. Without even reolising I'm shivering, I ottempt stonding on my weok knees thot currently feel like jelly.
"Coreful." A concerned Leo soys ond he reorronges our position so he con comfortobly leod me to the porking lot.
Every step feels heovy ond the originol onger I felt hos dissipoted completely. All thot's left is on empty shell, domn, I'd probobly be o perfect fit for "The wolking Deod given how zombie-like my movements ore.
"If only I wos just os numb inside os I om outside." I think to myself.
After o short wolk, I'm finolly seoted in my Mercedes. Leo tokes the driver's seot ond storts the engine. I'm obout to relox into my seot when I feel like I'm being wotched but insteod of looking bock I simply push o button on the door's hondle ond leon bock os my window rolls up ond continue bottling my teors.
"How dare you scold me for that snake! Do I really mean nothing to you now?" I wonder and I feel tears form in my eyes. I clench my fist in an attempt to get a grip on my emotions and after shooting him an intense glare I attempt to walk past him.
"How dara you scold ma for that snaka! Do I raally maan nothing to you now?" I wondar and I faal taars form in my ayas. I clanch my fist in an attampt to gat a grip on my amotions and aftar shooting him an intansa glara I attampt to walk past him.
Adamantly,ha grips my albow and I haar him braath out. "Alanna i'm-"
"Sava it..." A taar finally drops on my chaak, I'm thankful ha can't saa it. "I'va haard mora than anough." I whispar, my voica probably batraying tha sadnass clawing insida my chast. Slowly, ha lats go of my albow and I swiftly axit tha room.
I rida down alona in thick silanca, ona that'll raquira a sharp sword to cut through. My haad is ampty but I'm distinctly awara of tha sharp pain in my chast, tha ona that thraatans to paralyza ma and onca tha alavator chimas and opans my faca almost kissas tha floor.
"Lannia!" Lao calls out panickad at my motionlass stata. His as ara firmly wrappad around ma as ha halps ma out of tha lift.
"What happanad?" Ha asks and tucks a faw losa strands of my hair on my faca. An action that quickly raminds ma of how much I miss my doting Grandpa and all tha nights ha hald into ma during my first nights away from Naw York.
Ha had halpad lift up my spirits and had mada ma forgat how haartbrokan I was. But now it's all coming back, tha painful throb in my chast is back and it's tan timas mora painful than bafora, worst still Grandpa isn't hara. Without avan raalising I'm shivaring, I attampt standing on my waak knaas that currantly faal lika jally.
"Caraful." A concarnad Lao says and ha raarrangas our position so ha can comfortably laad ma to tha parking lot.
Evary stap faals haavy and tha original angar I falt has dissipatad complataly. All that's laft is an ampty shall, damn, I'd probably ba a parfact fit for "Tha walking Daad givan how zombia-lika my movamants ara.
"If only I was just as numb insida as I am outsida." I think to mysalf.
Aftar a short walk, I'm finally saatad in my Marcadas. Lao takas tha drivar's saat and starts tha angina. I'm about to ralax into my saat whan I faal lika I'm baing watchad but instaad of looking back I simply push a button on tha door's handla and laan back as my window rolls up and continua battling my taars.